All Roads Lead to Altamira
by Bloody-Valentine42
Summary: The gang does stuff. Woo. R&R and be free with the flames. Our house is cold...
1. Chapter One: Altamira

All Roads Lead To Altamira

(I think)

This is my verrrrrrrry second ToS ficcy, and my first since I beat the game! I'm sorry I quit the other one, I couldn't find anything more to do with it. But this'll be about ALTAMIRA! Wooo!

Lloyd: But I don't wanna go to Altamira!

Zozy: Consider the following: Sheena.

Lloyd: Wha-? Bu-

Zozy: In a bathing suit.

Lloyd: Ka-(drools)

Zozy: Mmhmm. Ooohhh, Kraaaatty-chaaaaan!

Kratos: Buh?

Zozy: Isclaimer-day.

Kratos: ???

Zozy: Just do the &# disclaimer.

Kratos: Oh right. Even though she owns the game, she does not own all of us, quite thankfully.

Zozy: But I -do- own you, Kratty-chan! Remember? I bet you that you couldn't dance a jig without falling down and youuuu --lost--!

Kratos: But I was –drunk-!

Zozy: Which is why you lost. (huggles Kratos)

Kratos: (weeps) Why meee?

* * *

"Why are we even going to that tacky sea-side resort?" Sheena grumbled, not in a very good mood from their recent defeat by Origin.

"Because I said so," Zozy said, boredly steering her Rhieard from side to side, weaving so much that everyone was flying out of formation.

"But you-"Sheena began.

"SHAA!" Zozy yelled, cutting her off.

"Bu-"

"SHAA!!"

"But I-"

"SHAAAAA!!!" Zozy screamed at her, and she finally quit trying.

Laterz they were at Altamira. Zozy squealed, and ran for the hotel, giggling madly. Zelos looked after her, drooling slightly. Kratos glared the Evil Glare of DOOM™ at him, and he stopped looking at Zozy but at the other girls there. Kratos sighed and walked after Zozy.

Soon, all were in bathing suits, chillin' on the beach. Zozy had gotten Regal to take his shackles off for once because she 'thought he was afraid to because he might –magically- kill somebody in France.' Needless to say, Regal was puzzled about France but relented and de-shackled. Woo.

Kratos looked quite the part of a 'hot 'n' spicy beach-boy' as Zozy so put it. Glee... .

Then things turned bad. Here's how:

Zozy managed to find the soldier.

"Why you just standin' there? Are you afraid to move? Are you too hot in the armor? How come they put you there? Where's the life guard?" Zozy asked, babbling questions randomly. After much teasing the guard was pissed off enough to chase after her with his sword, planning on dismembering her. Zozy just squealed delightedly, running and giggling. Kratos had to pay him to make him stop, so Zozy huggled Kratos. Isn't that sweet?

Later at night, they gambled. And then they left. Mmhmm. The end.

* * *

Wasn't that fun? Nope? Oh well. I didn't think it would be worth it anyways. Flamers, have fun. I'll sleep warm tonight... 


	2. Chapter Two: Flanoir

Thank you, everyone, for the no-flames. Bully for me I have nobody who hates them. This'll be an angsty romance fluff chappy.

(m-.-)m Ghostie...

* * *

-Chapter Two-

Zozy stared ahead pensively, deep in thought about something. Her eyes held a shimmer that was not of happiness. She radiated an aura of woe, but it invited no pity. She was forbiddingly spaced-out, seeking no comfort.

Kratos was a bit worried about her. She seemed unduly stressed lately, often pulling on a stray lock of hair or chewing on her hand, seeming like she looked for something that wasn't sadness or mindless, fleeting joy.

In all truth, she felt disappointed, let-down and passed over. Her only true love had lost himself to another, and had left her completely, lost and sorrowful. She had sadly returned to the group, looking decidedly worse for wear. Zelos had tried to cheer her up   
(come on have a little fun with your zelly)   
but had only been greeted with a blank, woeful stare. He'd left her alone, slightly startled by the amount of sorrow that had come pouring into his mind from just looking into her eyes.

She'd steered her Rheiard aimlessly towards Flanoir. Soon they had touched down in the snowy blanket that covered the continent. Had she been normal, she would have took a flying leap off her Rheiard and made a snow-devil but she just stepped off, and fell down, staring up into the endless gray skies. Kratos' face appeared in her field of view, and she got up. Kratos had looked quite concerned, so she decided not to worry him any worse.

They were there for the Ice Festival, which was to give thanks to the Ice Spirits   
(celsius my cool beauty)   
for not taking many lives during the cold, harsh winter. They had only 2 seasons, Spring and Icy Doom. People carved ice sculptures to show reverence for the Ice Spirits' awesome power to chip ice away with the pure force of their will. Zozy had a sort of stony determination to win the Goddess Festival year after year.

As always she dominated the competition. Her dance was to the tune of Hopeless   
(instrumental beautiful flowing let me go spin spin almost fall swoop)   
and was a graceful performance. She seemed to float over the snow, spinning, feigning this way, jump and spin! Land, shift, step.

It was enchanting; yet it was just like her in battle. The only difference was that she had no zanbatou (like a halberd, only with a lighter blade) to weight her down.

Later at the inn, she and Kratos shared a room. They were short on rooms, and they had to pair up, two to a room. By some cruel twist of fate, Lloyd and Zelos got stuck in the same room. She had spied Genis praying silently for Presea to be stuck with him, and his prayers were answered. Zozy had chosen the teams, of course, and she made sure that she had not been put with Zelos or Regal; Regal scared her and Zelos would have come up with some way to snuggle up with her.

Zozy spent a while, staring at the ceiling aimlessly, her mind wandering   
(is this life or death and how could i really be sure it is too cold to be dead or alive so maybe i am both)   
tossing and turning   
(this is stupid)   
but after a while she got up and went outside. She stood in her bedclothes (a loose shirt, loose pajama pants of silken quality) in the snow, staring out over the town.

"Aren't you cold?" she heard a quiet, calm voice ask. She spun around, and was staring at Kratos, who was wearing a black shirt, black pants and the ever-present weird cape-mantle thingy.

"N-no! I... I'm fine. Let me be," she said, shivering, turning her back on him   
(oh my so cold he knows i am lying why does he care it is too cold for me have to stay or he will think i am weak)   
and staring back over the town. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Come on now, I know you're cold. Come back inside," Kratos said, soothingly.

"I'm fine. Go away."

"Zozy..." he said, exasperated yet patient.

"Go away. I'm fine."

"Zozy."

"Go!"

"Zozy!" Kratos snapped. "Come back inside. It's too cold!"

"What if I don't care if I freeze or not!? Would you care if you had nobody to love you at all?! I sure as hell don't, so I don't give a damn!!" she screamed at him, her words echoing through the muffled silence of the winter town.

"You...you think nobody loves you?" Kratos asked, shakily.

"No, I know nobody loves me. Why would they? I am a horrible person," Zozy said, her voice miserable.

"Zozy, you are not a horrible person," Kratos said softly.

"I'm a foul, miserable creature and a fool!"

"No you aren't."

"Why do you say I am not?" Zozy asked, venomously.

"Because I was told to never kiss a fool."

And with that, he kissed her. She stiffened, her eyes wide, but then dissolved into his warm embrace. Suddenly the world did not seem so cold and calloused, for how could it be when her secret love so openly expressed his feelings for her? Kratos broke away, although Zozy had leaned her head forwards to keep their lips together.

"Come back inside," Kratos told her. He lead her back inside to their room, and inside there was no light to show their act. They finished, and curled up with each other, huddling close for warmth.

* * *

Wasn't that nice and fluffy? Mmhmm. YOU LOVE IT! 


	3. Chapter Three: Professor Zug

To everyone: Thanks for the reviews.

Kazaana: Holy spoon, you're a guy? XD

This one'll be a Professor Zug thing. In case you didn't know, from time to time Zozy'll be ueber-hyper and put on a tie and call herself Professor Zug and teach them completely random, useless, mostly untrue things. And instead of calling on people she yells "ZUG ZUG!" and launches into a huge complex (untrue) explanation of wy the question was asked without telling the answer.

Oh, and this had been done a while, I forgot I hadn't uploaded it yet -.-;

-Chapter Three-

Everyone sat either on the ground or on random stumps as Zozy stood in front of them, professing her knowledge-like nonsense.

"And so the Muffin king peddled his wares; banana nut muffins, chocolate muffins, poppy seed muffins, English muffins and the like. And so they bartered many an hour with the greatest king ever known, Henry the XXIX, who just so happened to have a pair of squirrel eating trapper plants! And so the plants were eaten by the muffin king, as he cut out Henry's heart and lay it on a silver platter. So the plate was the very first Frisbee. And that's how monkeys came to be," Zozy said, smiling happily.

Lloyd looked at her blankly, and Raine, being tied to a tree, yelled at them. Kratos was muchly disturbed by Zozy's information, and so asked this fatal question: "Why are you—"

"ZUG ZUG!! Shut up! Why?! Why NOT?! Why is the sky blue? Why are you asking stupid questions? Why do fools fall in love?!" Zozy yelled at him.

Kratos was muchly disturbed., and began to say something. But Zozy yelled at him again.

"SHUSH! The walls have ears!!" And with that, she hid behind her blackboard. After a while she came back with a soda can. "This, my dear class, is a gooshy-bloopy. The gooshy-bloopy was a very intensely studied animal, which travels in large cardboard cases, in groups called 12 packs, or, if bound by a clear substance, 6 packs. It's markings vary from area to area, but are mostly stay together. Now these creature are widely thought of as arachnids because of the smoothness of the carapace, but! If you will observe closely you will find they are mammals, because of the liquid inside."

"Zozy?" Genis said tentatively.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss?" Zozy cooed.

"That's a soda can…"

Zozy stared at him and sighed. "No, Genis. No. Do I have to give a quiz?"

"No, we're good."

"Good! Now SHUT UP!" she yelled brutally at him.

"Now, ever wonder why we lose teeth? It's because of the Wars. The horrid, evil bunny overlord conquered the faeries, and forced them to work in it's egg mines, for they were it's power. One day, the faeries, having had enough, rose up against the evil overlord. Having no weapons to fight with, they ripped their own teeth out and pelted the evil bunny with them. The rabbit, screaming in agony, collapsed, it's chocolate blood flowing into the rivers of milk. And that's why we have chocolate milk. CLASS DISMISSED!" and so everybody elft. Yes, elft.

The end.


	4. Chapter Four: I Am The AntiChrist! No, R...

Hey kids! I'm back. Thanks for reviewing. Yeah, I do read all the reviews, I usually try to respond.

ShimaGenki – Yup.

Sacred Wood – No duh. And lookit me, I am. XD

So anyways, yeah. I _AM_ PRO-fessar ZUG!!

In this we learn of Zozy's sister, her age, and who left her and why. Onwards!

-Chapter 4-

Zozy stood on the balcony of Zelos' house, looking out over the rooftops. Zelos was a little afraid of her ever since the Professor Zug incident, and she felt a bit sad about that. She liked Zelos; he was good looking, and he was pretty nice and funny. She stared off, pensively. He was just like him; he had grown frightened of what she was, and began to push her away. They had ended in a furious fight; he had limped away with a bite mark and claw slashes. She was afraid Zelos would fight her, and this time she would kill. This time, it wouldn't only be a magick-infected bite. This time—

Suddenly she saw somebody. She gasped. It _couldn't_ be. And yet…

She vaulted over the edge of the balcony and dropped to the ground, her cat-like muscles keeping her from splattering with their extra bounce-step. She raced towards the shop, overturning a cart. And there, she saw her.

"Asellus!?" Zozy cried, looking at the black-haired woman.

"Zozy?" the woman asked, disbelievingly. Her voice was somewhat dreamy, and it was slightly low-pitched. She had jewel-bright green eyes, the oh-so-familiar green with gold running through it. Then the cat-ears emerged from the bandana and swiveled towards her.

"Asellus! Sister!" Zozy cried, throwing her arms around her.

"Zozy! My young one! Oh, Zozy, I was so scared. I thought you were dead!" Asellus cried, sobbing onto her shoulder. Asellus was slender and tall, willowy in her build.

Zelos stared out the window. He was worried about the strange girl they had adopted as part of their team. She seemed to be about 17, maybe younger. She had a spark of youthful innocence, yet wisdom far beyond her years.

"There can be no winner. Even if we defeat Mithos, we lose a hero. If we lose to him, we lose our lives and our world. It's like playing with fate; whoever wins, we lose."

She had said that to him when they were going to Derris-Kharlan. They were stunned by her voice; it had been quiet and pensive, yet full of doom. She never had displayed such a sense of doubt for their quest before. It was a bit unnerving. She always seemed to be a happy, hyper cat-girl. But lately she was less bouncy and bubbly and more doomy and gloomy.

Zelos was snapped out of his reverie by loud laughter, and Zozy opened the door, holding a black haired woman's hand. Zelos jumped, and the woman looked over at him.

"Hello. You're Zelos, aren't you? I can tell; Zozy's told me much about you. I am Asellus, her sister," she said, walking over to him. He quickly scrambled to his feet.

"Whoa, hold on there. Zozy has a sister?" Zelos asked. "How come you never told us?"

"Many years ago, our village was besieged by elves. They killed our family, and I thought Asellus was killed too. I was raised by the Katz," Zozy said simply.

Asellus was studying Zelos. Zelos looked at her. "What?"

"You remind me of someone."

Suddenly, Zozy's eyes grew dark. "The demons of mankind have bled this Earth dry; will we kill it by finding its pulse, or will it be restored by splitting it? Never again will I love another; it only brings pain," she said, ominously. Then she turned and walked upstairs.

Zelos stared after her. "What the hell was that all about?"

"I dunno." Asellus said with a shrug.

"Hmm."

They just sorta stood there a minute. Then Zozy came screaming back down the stairs, Genis chasing her with a fake spider. "OMICRAP! KEEP IT AWAY!!"

Lloyd came out of the kitchen, looking rather harassed. And was wearing a frilly pink apron. "What _now_? Are you on _fire_ yet? Or better yet, is _GENIS_ on _fire_ yet?!"

"No, Genis is chasing her with a spider," Asellus said, smiling at their antics.

"Oh. Good." With that, Lloyd turned and started to walk back to the kitchen. "Wait a minute…" He turned back around. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'll pardon your language _this_ time, young one. I am Asellus, Zozy's sister," she said, glaring at Lloyd. This was no ordinary glare; it was, in fact, the Evil Glare Of DOOM™ (as seen on TV!!!!!!!)!!

"Er…yeah. That's cool. Wait a minute, why am I wearing a frilly pink apron?!"

Because I said so. Now go forth and…make…coffee or something, I dunno.

"…K." And with that Lloyd went to take off the apron but found it inexplicably affixed to him. Mwahahahaha.

Just then Zozy came running back towards them, knocking over chairs. "ALL MY HEROES ARE DEAD IN HOLLYWOOD!!!!!" she screamed, grabbing Lloyd by the front of his apron (which was frilly and pink) and shaking him. Then she picked him up and threw him at Genis, and ran off again. Then she lobbed a water balloon at them from the top of the stairs.

One thing led to another and she was soon tied to a chair, which was bolted to the floor. She was also gagged because she kept screaming at them.

And then the shi-

"WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO! LOOKIT ME! WOOOOOOOO!!" screamed a reddish orange dragon girl as she did a little dance and then flew away again.

-hit the fan. Because that little dragon girl evoked the powers of the WONDER CHEF! (cue dreamy fan-girl sighI like the Wonder Chef. He's AWESOME!)

"Hello everyone! I am here to teach you how to make PIE!! (didn't you always wish you could make pie in ToS? I do!) You need a kirima, a cabbage and some bread! And that makes PIE!!" said Wonder Chef, grinning stupidly.

"…No it doesn't," said Zozy, magically not bound and gagged anymore.

"…Shoosh."

And with that, Zozy shrieked and glomped Wonder Chef. And dragged him off to do fan-girl things to him. You _know_ what I mean XD

* * *

Wasn't that fun? Yes it was. YES! SHUT UP!

Zelos: Waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, wouldn't Kratos be pissed at Wonder Chef for having se-

And then a blue hedgehog ran screaming from a blue snow leopard that was chasing him with a banana.

Zelos: -with Zozy?

Kratos: I da-

And then the hedgehog and leopard ran back towards them, screaming and drowning out Kratty-chan's words.

Kratos: -well am!

Zelos: Well kick his as-

And then a mongoose yelled "WALNUT" really loud.

Zelos: -then!

Kratty-chan: Well there's nothing I can do about it. Bloody is in love with the Wonder Chef, and the closest she can get to fuc-

WALNUT!!

Kratty: -ng him is making her alter-ego do it with him.

Zelos: Sorta like she is with you and me.

Kratty: Yup.

REVIEW OR ELSE MY ZYYMURGY WILL EAT YOUR BRAINS!!! Please.


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